Monday, January 24, 2011

Guest Post #1

When I initially asked for guest posters, no one volunteered.  But then I calmly asked asked Melissa at A Gracious Calm and she was gracious enough to agree.  (See what I did there?  Aren't I clever and original?  lol)  I know not everyone likes guest posters so I apologize in advance.  However, I didn't want to have a silent blog for several days/weeks while I'm getting used to my new life.  I was ovewhelmed with homework this weekend and haven't had much time to visit Bloggyland and there's just no way I could've taken the time to come up with a decent post for you.  So mega-HUGE kudos to Melissa!!!

Please give a warm welcome to Melissa and then hop on over and visit her by clicking the link above!  I told her she could post on any topic she wanted to so she chose children.
Source:  weheartit
Hi everyone, so sprinkles is taking a much needed break from blogging because of her busy schedule now that she’s back to school, so I have agreed to do a guest post for her.


I had a post I already wanted to do up, something that’s kind of important to me, but something that can also cause issues when talking to people about as some people are *really* passionate about this subject.

I don’t want kids.  I don’t even really like kids.  I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately.  Mostly because the issue of birth control and the freedom to control my own reproductivity has been on my mind.  I find it odd that a 14-year-old could have a baby and many will congratulate her on her new bundle of joy, but if a grown woman has given it thought the last 15 years and has decided to not become a mother, that is a sin above all.  I mean, why did I even get married if we weren't going to have kids?  (If you’re not familiar with sarcasm, that last sentence was sarcastic.)

I don't hate kids, I honestly don’t.  I just have no particular feelings of 'warmness' towards them.  Most women, when they see babies, they "ooh" and "aah" over them.  If I even think about them at all, it's just "Oh, a baby" and I carry on my way.  They're like every other person I don't know - they're just a person I don't know.  I care about them in the same benevolent way I care about all human beings - but it doesn't extend beyond that.

I have no maternal instincts, no desire for children and no desire to alter the relationship that my husband, Derek, & I have.

Children change everything.  And for some people, that's great.  Not for me.  I used to babysit a lot in when I was in high school and I actually get along with children great, as does Derek.  Still don't want them though.

The only problem I have is the reaction I get from some people when they hear I don't want kids.  I'm married, nearly 30, both my husband and I have good jobs - so the next natural step would be to start a family.  I've been told that not having kids is selfish, that I won't be a fully matured adult until I procreate and the ever so famous, "it's so much different when they're yours".

Here's the truth - I don't want children, so telling me that I'm a selfish, immature person won't change my mind.

I'm not selfish.  I'm not immature.  And I am a fully grown adult.  One that is capable of making decisions that are as important as this.  I have known I don't want children for a very long time.  I have to be honest, even when I was a kid I didn't even really like kids.

It's a lifestyle for most, but it's not a lifestyle for me.

11 showed me some love:

jen said...

Well I think realizing that you don't want to have kids is the most unselfish thing you could do.
At least you realize this and don't give into the pressure of having a child because society tells you should. That is why kids wind up in foster care or worse beaten. You decision to not have kids is very grown up:)

Doris Sturm said...

Dear Melissa!

I have to congratulate you for your forthcoming, dare I say brave, post about child rearing.

I'm not maternal either, but it so happened that when I discovered that I was pregnant, I was into the baby BIG TIME! But, I would not have deliberately chosen to become pregnant. My 33 year old daughter will most likely not provide me with grand children and I do understand.

I'm not into babies that much, but do appreciate the preciousness and frailty of a young, innocent life for they did not asked to be born!

I believe that you are not selfish at all, but a very environmentally conscious and responsible person. People who "breed" and I do mean BREED indiscriminately are irresponsible and selfish because their offsprings contribute more than their share of waste to this already polluted and endangered planet we call home. If you consider how much waste an individual produces over a live-time, choosing NOT to have children (or just one) is the responsible, adult thing to do. If people don't stop practicing birth control here, we'll end up like in China where you are allowed to have just one - by law! Sad when the law has to step in, because the general public is incapable of being responsible for their own actions.

You go girl! The world needs more people like you! Breeding is selfish, irresponsible and arrogant. I don't believe in it either!

Congratulations for your life choice and moreover, for having the courage to stand up for your beliefs...not many people say what they think and even less do what they say!

Nadine, Chewy and Lilibell said...

OMG, you have put, exactly, my thoughts and feelings on this subject into words! Another kindred soul.

I am 43, soon to be 44. I used to "think" I wanted children, but then realized I only thought I wanted children because I was expected by society to have a family. But no, I am not maternal, I do not have maternal instincts/feelings, I like my lifestyle the way it is, I have no desire whatsoever to have children. (And it took my mother a VERY long time to accept my decision). But I do consider myself a mother to "furchildren" lol! Yeah, I'd rather have furchildren than human children ;)

Stuff could always be worse said...

I believe we can have a choice now. You do realize it, my daughter feels the way you do some. Of course, I hope she changes her mind :)
kim

Melissa (A Gracious Calm) said...

Wow, so pleased at everyone's reaction to the post! I just wish that I had added in that I wished more people would adopt! Ah well, another post, another time. :) Thanks for letting me guest post!

♥ Sallie said...

I miss Sprinkles but you are a great guest!

Hugs,

Zuzana said...

What a refreshing post! I so envy women that feel that way.;)) I am starting to be way too old for kids, but i wanted those more than anything.;) You make some excellent points why I should realize that I can have a great life without them.;)
I enjoyed this post very much, so candid and honest.;))
xoxo

the booker man said...

melissa,

i can somewhat relate! my husband and i got married pretty young (straight out of college), and a lot of people assumed we wanted to start a family. it got rather annoying to be asked constantly about kids. while i do want to have children eventually, i knew it was going to be awhile before i got to that place. (i've been married a little over 8 years.)
having children is a personal decision, and there's no right or wrong answer. there is nothing selfish about choosing not to have children. in fact, like others have said you are being responsible in sticking to your decision and not being pressured into having a child.
also, i saw in your comment that you mentioned adoption. i wish more people had that mindset. there are already so many kids in the world that need a home. i have trouble understanding why people who want multiple children won't adopt.

the booker man and asa's mama

p.s. -- hi sprinkles! :)

Velvet Over Steel said...

I think being honest with yourself and doing or not doing... what's best for You is what's important and matters.

I was scared to have children, because of my own disfunctional childhood. But after having my 3 boys I couldn't image not having them. However, it's a totally personal choice. I don't think your guest blogger is selfish. Just honest!

Again, so proud of you with school and all!!
HUGS,
Coreen xoxoxo

Marianne said...

Melissa,

I'm 36 years old, and engaged. We've been engaged for over a year now. Everyone keeps asking me, or should I say telling me that we need to get married. We don't need to do anything, except for personal, moral or sentimental reasons. We've chosen not to have children. We like children, it's just that neither my fiance' or I for a wide variety of reasons, think that it's a wise choice for us to bring children into the world. A lot of people don't understand, and it's so refreshing to hear from someone who thinks the same way that I do! (Besides, I do have a child, she's just furry and has four legs!)

Martine said...

Before I had my baby, I was told by an acquaintance that I would never understand responsibility or be a responsible adult until I have kids. I don't understand how having a baby automatically makes you responsible, I think it's bull crap! Kids shouldn't be used as a marker of your ability to be a responsible.

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