Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Thanks A Million Times Over

Thanks once again to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  It really meant a lot, especially since most of my friends IRL haven't said much about it.  My father passed peacefully and my mom and I were both there.  I'm so glad because I didn't want him to die alone.

One minute he was breathing and the next, he wasn't.  I'd only been at the hospital for maybe a half hour before he died.  I told my mom it was probably wishful thinking but I almost felt like he waited for me to get there before he passed.
Source:  weheartit
He seemed to be doing a lot better on the Friday before he died.  He was still out of it and doing odd things but even so, he seemed improved from the day before.  Saturday, I went to visit him and he just stared right through me.  He didn't acknowledge my presence at all.  It was like he was asleep with his eyes open.  And Sunday, he died.

Mostly I don't feel much of anything about it other than relief.  Not so much relief for me, but for my father.  He went downhill so quickly and he never even got to start his chemo meds.  It was so hard to see him as just a shell of the man he used to be.  Sometimes I feel sad about it and I do miss him but I really thought I'd be a lot sadder.  I don't know if that's normal or if I'll feel more sad in time.  Maybe I'm unconsciously in denial or something...

I was bored at the beginning of summer and wishing I'd done summer school.  But now I'm really grateful that I had this time with him.  

Right after my dad's initial hospitalization when he found out he had cancer and before he got so bad, I had a dream about him.  In it, I was leaving school for the day and walked out into the quad area.  He and my grandfather were sitting on a bench there; I was really surprised to see them both . (Maybe because my grandfather has been dead for years and there is no bench in the quad?!)  I was walking towards them and then suddenly stopped in my tracks.  My dad was like a balloon in that he was no longer sitting on the bench but floated up into the sky and disappeared.  I thought at the time that it meant my dad would be ok.  But now I think it was my grandfather's way of telling me he wouldn't make it and that my dad was floating off to Heaven.
Source:  weheartit
A day or two ago I had another dream about my dad.  I don't really remember what happened but just before I woke up, my dad said something to the effect of, "Your mother is my successor."  WTF does that mean?  I hope it doesn't mean she's going to die soon too.

We're holding services for my dad this coming Saturday.  We waited since family is coming from out of town.

My uncle, my dad's brother, called a couple of days ago to tell us that my other uncle is in the hospital and probably won't be with us much longer.  They thought he had lukemia but he wouldn't go in for further testing because he was afraid of the results.

I hope all this stress goes away soon.  My face isn't dealing with it well at all - I'm covered in zits and I'm not liking it.  At this point, there's only a spot or two left before my face will become one great big zit in and of itself.

I hope everyone got their Doggone Dog Swap goodies out.  I've only heard from about half of you who participated so... I know I got mine out on time!  Sagira recently met up with Frankie in the furs to exchange their stuffs.  Click on her name to see what she got.  Raising Addie posted about her swap too!  I'll be doing mine tomorrow.  Whenever my boys get a package in the mail, I'm always just as excited about it as if it was for me.

17 showed me some love:

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

We would like to think your Dad was waiting for you too. Mom lost her only sibling a brother when he was only 27. He had cancer that was discovered literally the day before he died. That was in 1974. Mom had a similar experience. He was in ICU and asking Mom to say a lot of people's names and then he kept saying bye. He had actually been given 3-6 months to live, but he knew he was dying. Mom said every possible person she could think of that he knew and when her brain was drained, he smiled and gripped her hand. He went into a deep coma after that and died about three hours later. It was very sad, but for the best since he was facing some very bad days. We hope you can find comfort in knowing you were there for your Dad when he needed you.

Hugs, the OP Pack

Velvet Over Steel said...

My dad with cancer was a shell of his former self too. Very thin with no strength behind his hugs. The chemo actually triggered a heart attach. So he didn't die from the cancer. The same happened to his mother 20+ years earlier. So strange and sad.

I was extremely tore up because I 'wasn't there' when he dies and hadn't seem him for a while. I was going to come see him the next day and went on a date the night he dies. I was a miss with guilt.. but I didn't expect the heart attach either. :-(

I agree too that you weren't meant to take summer school. My son thought about it and then decided not too and he was such a Hugh help in moving. Not sure what I would have done with out him.

I'm praying your stress goes away soon too! I didn't think I was going to make it 3 weeks ago.. so stressed and exhausted. So hang in there and take care of Yourself sweetie!! :-)

Hugs,
Coreen XOXO

Jenny Woolf said...

Oh I am sad for you going through this difficult horrible time. I am glad that you were able to be with him when he died. YOur mom will need support too. I don't think your second dream meant anything bad about her. I think it meant that she will succeed him in the family role that he used to play.
I wish you peace and courage.

Mommy Lisa said...

Sending a hug for the rest of the week and hoping the stress goes down.

the booker man said...

i think your dad was waiting for you, too, and i'm so glad you got to be there with him. you provided comfort for him when he needed it most.
it's a good thing that you don't have to worry about summer school right now. you and your mom take care of each other! i know it's hard, but try to find some time to relax.

*hugs*
the booker man and asa's mama

Frankie Furter said...

I don't just THINK he was waiting fur you.. I KNOW he was.
It is very much normal to feel the way you do.
I think it was intended fur you to have the summer off.

Sagira said...

I think that the emotions you are going through are normal. Your situation seems a lot like mine. My Grandpa (who was like my father, he help raise me, etc) passed away while I was by his side. That was the hardest thing I have EVER been through in my life. Watching him take those final breaths was heartbreaking. I totally believe that your dad was waiting for you to be there. You know just because they are not talking to us doesn't mean that they can't hear what we are saying to them. Telling my Grandpa that it was okay to let go was SO hard...okay here I go crying again. Anyway...I am so very sorry for your loss and I am sorry that your IRL friends are not talking to you about it much. Maybe they just don't know the right words to say? Hang in there...if you ever need to chat I'm here.

Mr. Pip said...

I agree with Frankie - your dad was absolutely waiting for you! A similar thing happened when my grandmother passed away. She and my father had been at odds for awhile. He finally visited her in the hospital and they made up - the next day she passed away. I believe she was waiting for him - to make peace.

Pip sends lots of yorkie hugs and kisses and hopes your stress lets up soon. Take some time to heal.

Shelby and Pip are posting their dog swap gifts tomorrow so tune in if you are up to it.

Kristin (Pip's mom)

P said...

I'm sooo sorry about your dad, Sprinkles. I just cried as I read your post, it must be so hard.

I don't think the dream where he said that your mum was his successor meant she is going to leave you too. I think he is just saying that she will be your dad as well as your mum.

Keep strong, hon. I'm praying for you.

Honey the Great Dane said...

Oh Sprinkles - I'm so sorry this is SO late - as you know, we only just got back from being away so I'm only catching up with blog friends now and I was really sad when I read about your father. What a stressful, horrible time it must have been for you but at least he is at peace now and it does sound like it was the kindest thing for him. I actually think that when they have a horrible chronic disease and very poor quality of life, then going quickly is actually a mercy.

I can totally understand the way you feel as I felt pretty much the same way when my father passed away - my father was a really proud man and would have really suffered to have to have remained in hospital, a shell of his former self, at the mercy of other people - he would have HATED it - so I was actually relieved that he went to quickly & suddenly (we also thought he was getting better and then he suddenly died) - and I didn't feel too bad because I had managed to spend quality time with him before he went and I think that is the most important thing. There were no regrets.

Anyway, we'll be thinking of you and hope things aren't too traumatic at the service. Take care of yourself -

Hsin-Yi

Lorenza said...

I agree with our friends.
Your Dad was waiting for you and I am sure you gave him peace in his final moments.
Our thoughts are with you and your mom.
Take care
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza and mom

Deborah said...

Hi, That was such a nice post and I'm glad you could write about your last days with your Dad. I know because my Dad got better right before he died in the hospital. It was so sad and still is.
Hang in there my friend and I hope the stress will go away soon.
xxoo
Deborah
On a much lighter note, I mailed my package this past Monday to Oskar and I got mine too. I'm going to be posting about it this weekend...

Melissa said...

I remember when my grandmother passed away, I was so sad to see her go. She was like a second mother to me. But she had been in the hospital for two months, had a stroke and was paralyzed on the right-side of her body and couldn't even talk properly. In a way, I was relieved she was no longer suffering, even though I miss her so much. So, I understand what it's like. {hugs}

Meg said...

Again, I am so sorry about your Dad's passing. That is definitely such a blessing you were there with him and your mom. You must be happy for that.

Take it from someone who see's what chemo does everyday--maybe it was a blessing in disguise for him to pass before that started.

George the Lad said...

I'm sure that your dad was waiting for you, hope you will start to feel stronger as the days go on, its not an easy time for you or your mom.
Love and Hugs George and Jan xxx
Thanks for the link, will use it soon.

Kim @ Stuff could... said...

So sorry! I am glad it was peaceful

Martine said...

I'm so sorry, I'm just catching up.

I think your dad was waiting for you, I'm sure of it. I've heard a lot of stories like that and I think it can happen and it happened to you.

Thinking of you.

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